How does an individual and/or group of people go through the time-consuming, exhausting process of making a multi-million dollar movie without thinking about any aspect of the actual film for more than 2 seconds? I’m not entirely sure, but that seems to be the case with the stinking, steaming load thusly named Blade Trinity. From the very first few moments, this third — and hopefully final — entry in the Blade series gets on its knees, clasps its hands together, and begs, begs, begs the question: how in all that is holy did the folks making this movie think it was any good?

Absolutely devoid of any tension, excitement, intelligence, character, style, originality, or really anything that denotes quality, Blade Trinity seems to have been created solely for a universe where such pesky little cinematic tropes such as “continuity,” “unpredictability,” and “logical consistency” are persona non grata.

And it’s all too bad, because the first two Blade films really were a great couple pieces of Grade A pulp — especially Guillermo del Toro’s enthusiastic, inventive, and deftly over-the-top Blade 2.

How did David Goyer — who wrote all three films, but only directed this one — fly off the rails so spectacularly? Who knows. The guy’s no Robert Towne, but it’s not like Blade Trinity’s plot is all that different from the other two (or the slightly less lame Underworld): a group of evil vampires resurrects Dracula in a bid for world domination. Blade and the Nightstalkers, an underground group of stake/arrow/gadget-throwing, annoyingly-typical-action-movie-quip-talkin’ cuties, step up to take the guy out.

Take it from me, the cliched dialogue and random, unexplored plot points come fast and furious in this one. I promise there is nothing in this dimwitted, confusing, dull, unfortunate mess of a movie that you haven’t seen before in some better form.

Blade Trinity was just released on DVD. Needless to say, watch it at your own peril.

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