I was feeling a bit masochistic yesterday when I came across “Catwoman” listing in Cinemax’s OnDemand service. Never one to pass up the chance to watch - and hopefully enjoy - a bad movie, I grabbed myself a late lunch and settled in. Ultimately, it’s really not worthy of an actual “review”, per se, but I’ll throw some bulletpoints out at you with my reactions as well as the lessons I learned. Bear in mind as you read the following, I watched “Anacondas: The Hunt For The Blood Orchid” just the other week, and dug every cheesy minute of it.

• The first 40 minutes or so of the movie are actually quite enjoyably bad. Unfortunately, this leaves over an hour of “story” to be suffered through.

• The movie actually looks fantastic, except for the CG Catwoman. Everything else looks way expensive, but whenever CG Catwoman is on the screen, it’s more “Roger Rabbit” than “Spider-Man.”

• Much like Burton’s Catwoman, Halle Berry dies and is reborn. Unlike anyone else’s Catwoman, Berry is revived when a mysterious cat appears to give her mouth to mouth.

• Berry is the latest in a centuries long line of women to die and be reborn as Catwoman. Apparently, this new life comes with several side effects such as sleeping on the highest shelf in the house, batting at bugs with your hands, running in fear from the rain and a very, very painful looking style of walking.

• Catwoman is a borderline multiple personality disorder sufferer. Who’da thunk it?

• The movie presents the racist implication that all cat people are naturally talented basketball players.

• All women are vain, vain, vain, and the chubbier they are, the hornier they are.

Yeah, so, overall here’s the deal. If you feel you have to catch this cinematic abortion for some reason, just set aside a 30-45 minute block of time, watch the beginning, and then ffwd to the end, just to see how it wraps up. It truly is one of the most expensive movie turds of all time.

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