I’m a douche. Yeah, I started covering these old school video game comps a few weeks ago, but it was in a format that really wasn’t working out. The thing is I’m just too damn lazy.

So, we’re going to try it again in a new, more palatable way. We’ll be looking at these little party bundles in digestible mini reviews that are fun and also fun with some fun on the side — kind of like Chicken McNuggets, if you will. Except my writing is maybe not quite as terrifying.

Come friends. Join me on this journey. This quest. This mission. We will learn about life, ourselves, each other, and maybe — just maybe! — we will learn something about the games. But don’t count on it.

SEGA CLASSICS COLLECTION

The scoop
A woefully misguided “makeover” of a few mid-late 80s arcade and console almost classics created by the once mighty Sega Corp. While updating the games might seem like an ok idea, making them look like doofy PS1 throwaways and giving them soundtracks straight out of a 90s Eurotrash club night was not. You could’ve left Space Harrier as Space Harrier and we would’ve been cool with that…which is one of the nerdiest things I’ve ever said, but I stand by my ruling.

The games
10 total: Outrun, Space Harrier, Virtua Racing, Monaco GP, Golden Axe, Columns, Alien Syndrome, Fantasy Zone, Bonanza Bros, Tant R.

Worth a shot?
Most of these games are essentially unplayable because they aren’t the arcade versions. But if you can find it for under $10 (shouldn’t be that tough) it’s a decent deal for two of the three not-updated-by-Sega ports: Fantasy Zone and Tant R. The former is the insane acid love child of Defender and Super Mario Brothers. The latter, a Japanese import involving Keystone Kop-esque characters made of ovals and a couple dozen weirdo mini games (including one with a chicken), is one of the best crazier-than-a-shithouse-rat games ever.

KFR Rating: C

NAMCO MUSEUM 50TH ANNIVERSARY

The scoop
Fiftieth anniversary? What the hell Namco was doing in 1955 I’d like to know, but in the very early 80s, these guys cranked out five of the best and most influential games of that bizarre era: the immortal Pac-Man, Ms. Pac-Man, Dig Dug, Galaga, and Pole Position. All of them are included here along with some forgotten gems (Sky Kid, Bosconian, Rally-X) and a couple duds (I’ve always hated you, Mappy).

The games
16 total: Pac-Man, Ms. Pac-Man, Dig Dug, Galaga, Galaxian, Pole Position, Pole Position II, Dig Dug, Rally-X, Xevious, Dragon Spirit, Rolling Thunder, Mappy, Sky Kid, Pac-Mania (unlockable), Galaga ‘88 (unlockable).

Worth a shot?
Perfect ports of five undeniable classics and a few other decent games for $20 seems like a no-brainer. However, I will say these games were made for the loud, communal insanity of arcades, and they lose something at home with the PS2 controller. It’s just tough to match the thrill of standing in front of the full-size cabinet, concentrating intently on the game amidst all the chaos and banging around the joystick while a sweaty headband-wearing doofus places his quarters at the bottom lip of the screen yelling “I got next game! I got next game!” in your ear. Good times.

Generation gap alert: if the thought of Pac-Man melts your cold, aging heart, this anthology is a must. If your descent into video game nerdery started with Nintendo, it’s still worth a quick look to see what all the hubbub was about.

KFR Rating: B

After the jump, CAPCOM.

CAPCOM CLASSICS COLLECTION

The scoop
My hippie parents chumped my brother and I out on Nintendo (although they made up for it later — nice recovery, folks), but now me and all you clowns can easily revisit the arcade versions of a few 8-bit era classics with this first Capcom comp. Included are picture perfect versions of: three of the eight thousand iterations of the greatest fighting game ever, Street Fighter II, a whole ton of shooters, the (entire?) Ghosts n’ Goblins saga, Final Fight, and 22 of the motherf*&king most difficult video games ever created. Seriously, Capcom must’ve had a mother of a sadism streak around 1984/85. These things were made not to entertain — they are meant to completely enrage little OCD Japanese and American kids hopped up on Pockey and Doritos and whatnot.

The games
22 total: 1942, 1943: The Battle of Midway, 1943 Kai, Bionic Commando, Commando, Exed Exes, Final Fight, Forgotten Worlds, Ghosts ‘n Goblins, Ghouls ‘n Ghosts, Gun.Smoke, Legendary Wings, Mercs, Pirate Ship Higemaru, Section Z, SonSon, Street Fighter II, Street Fighter II: Champion Edition, Street Fighter II Turbo: Hyper Fighting, Super Ghouls ‘n Ghosts, Trojan, Vulgus.

Worth a shot?
Like most of these anthologies, the huge selection of games is generous and runs the entire gamut — there are some real classics, some solid efforts, and some true crap. There’s also VULGUS, the classiest sounding video game ever.

Again, I have to reiterate that most of these games are exceptionally hardcore. Like Super Contra hardcore, people. I know it sounds ridiculous, but man, be prepared. Capcom was known for having tough games back in the day, and most of these puppies are still a foamy-mouthed rabid bitch to get through. I couldn’t even make it to the first boss in Gun.Smoke, and you know what, I feel like less of a man for it. Proceed with caution.

Still, there are lots of games that are a blast to play with a buddy, and a really nice range of games, too. From lost arcade screwballs like Pirate Ship Higemaru to the early Nintendo classic Commando to the early Genesis pulverizer Forgotten Worlds. If you’re a shooter and/or run-and-gun fan, this is button-mash heaven for you. Also, if you didn’t notice earlier, FINAL F&*KING FIGHT, which allows you to relive every 80s straight-to-video action movie ever made by beating up Andre the Giant and those always evil “punk rockers.”

KFR Rating: B+

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