Ah, the mid-summer swoon. Slow moving, laidback, smelly, sweaty, sticky. Here in NYC, the official stench of summer, rotten garbage urine, is in full bloom. Good times, friends.

So, there we were, sitting around in our wives’ thong underwear sweating our ass cheeks off in the steamy heat. As to how we got onto the subject of all those highly prevalent Saturday morning and weekday afternoon PSAs from our childhood and whether any of them were on YouTube, I have no idea. Just sit back and distract yourself with 20 more reasons why the 80s are certifiably the coolest doofiest decade ever.

It kind of goes without saying, but thanks to YouTube and the crazy souls who uploaded these in the first place.

Thundercats

Duncan: Again, I love that the main deterrent here is because it’s “against the law,” which is maybe like the 15th most important reason why kids shouldn’t drink booze. Ironically, Snarf was hammered this entire shoot!

Steve: I’m firmly convinced that this PSA alone turned most kids off of drinking alcohol and on to smoking Kools and drinking cough syrup.

Smokey the Bear

Duncan: You know, I’m not entirely convinced this is from the 1980s because: a) I don’t remember it, and b) it’s not quite weird enough. Still, check out that frog helping to douse the fire — dude is huge!

Steve: OK, this might be from the 70s, but I have distinct memories of this from my mid-80s cartoon watching days, and it totally taught me that fire is not cool. So we’ve included it here. Because I said so.

Duncan: It might actually be from the 90s…?

Timer

Duncan: As many of you will remember, this smartly-dressed Saturday morning fixture (whatever the hell he is) was all about the creative healthy snacks that looked so yummy when animated, but never translated that well to real life. Timer, my old friend, that tray of OJ toothpick popsicles TOTALLY DIDN’T WORK.

Steve: Until Andrew said something the other day, I had never figured out this dude’s name was Timer. I spent over two decades of my life believing the pear-shaped dude was simply spouting nonsense to get my attention before telling me about his hankering for cheese. Oddly enough, I think I preferred life that way – things will never be the same for me now.

As for the spot itself, not only did I love these as a kid for some inexplicable reason, but as a grown man I’ve bonded with my wife over the fond memories we both have of the pear-shaped dude. That’s right, folks – 80s PSAs can help you score. Hey! A wagon wheel!

WAY MORE AFTER THE JUMP.

GI Joe

Duncan: The most famous 80s PSAs of all. This specific one is definitely one of my personal faves. It’s such an earnest but random and weirdly misguided attempt at edutainment that it’s spectacular. “Yo, you thought that blind dude was a complete stooge? Seriously, handicapped people have f&*king POWERS, kids.” What?

There’s also a classy joke in here about Matt Murdock and “pussy,” but I’m too tired to figure it out right now.

Steve: Really, there’s not much to say about these. GI Joe pretty much set the standard for 80s animated PSAs tacked on randomly at the end of their 22 minute toy commercials. There’s not a loser in the bunch. Except for Lifeline, the commie pacifist.

Potatoes

Steve: I barely, barely remembered this one…until the tagline at the end. “Hey, mom, give me some skin!” 80s PSAs were insanely hip.

Duncan: For some stupid reason, when I was a kid I didn’t like potatoes that weren’t in french fry form. But this charming little PSA — I’m going to guess created by the geniuses behind the immortal “Schoolhouse Rocks” — made those steaming, bland brown lumps look and sound yummy, which, I eventually learned, they are.

Transformers

Steve: Even though the Transformers are arguably as cool as GI Joe, the PSAs were never as badass, even though they tended to share the exact same message. I guess seeing grown men in ridiculous costumes passing along advice to random underaged kids just seems more natural than giant robots doing the same.

Duncan: I just love the idea that these would-be felons try to lift a car that turns out to be a Transformer and don’t completely flip the hell out and/or defecate themselves.

He-Man

Duncan: As with many of the weekday afternoon cartoon post-show PSAs, the complete lack of irony or humor involved – something we may never see again – is astonishingly hilarious. I really disliked the He-Man show as a kid. It was dull and predictable, and, as this phenomenal compilation of clips shows, the creators seemed to be operating from the belief that children are, for all intents and purposes, utterly retarded.

Steve: I was never a He-Man fan either, even though every other kid in the neighborhood went nuts over the guy with the furry underwear. I’ll take Andrew’s comments about the PSA’s one step further and say that I think that everyone working on every episode of the show thought that the kids watching were barely able to chew gum while walking. On the other hand, looking back at them some 20 years later, it’s perversely entertaining to watch these clips, so I’m not quite sure what that says about my current mental status.

Make a Saturdae

Duncan: The defining moment of this sexually suspicious PSA is of course when the happy banana boner comes to life. But most importantly this snack obviously pretty much sucks when compared to the real thing. No kid is going to be fooled no matter how much faux enthusiasm you throw at them.

Steve: Yeah, I do not now, nor have I ever, known anyone who would prefer to make a saturdae over a sundae. This PSA sucked – bring on the Magic Cow instead!

McGruff

Duncan: Pretty straightforward McGruff commercial from back in the day…until Granny starts rocking the super-sized com-link! Seriously, why not skip bothering the police and just huck that plastic door stopper at the guy? Anyway, the McGruff ads were actually pretty effective for a time. But then later in the 80s they brought in the singing kids and it was game over.

Steve: I grew up in a neighborhood in the country where people would literally never lock their doors, so the effect McGruff had on me was to convince my young mind that the city was an evil, evil place with criminals walking down the streets stealing shit in broad daylight. In other words: Mission accomplished, McGruff!

Zack of All Trades

Duncan: I’d completely forgotten about this until tripping across it on the ‘Tube. I admit to enjoying the way “Zack” dances on top of musical notation in and out of the radio to dispense practical wisdom. Neat trick. Fun fact: I actually thought these were the actual lyrics to the “Name Songâ€? for the longest time.

Steve: This is the perfect example of a PSA that didn’t actually teach me anything because I was too busy singing along with the catchy lyrics to actually pay attention to the message.

Jem

Duncan: Hey, even girls don’t have common sense! Eh, actually, these PSAs meant well to a certain degree, I guess. Although it’s kind of creepy in the first one how that honky molester with a taste for the exotic just drives off. But that’s Jem for you. Keeping it real!

Steve: Ah, Jem, the cartoon soap opera that was just cool enough for guys to watch without being made fun of. Yeah, I liked the show, with it’s psuedo-punk rock veneer and horribly contrived storylines, but these PSAs are pretty sad. You can tell that the creators weren’t into them at all, unlike the C.O.P.S. guys who just decided to go all nuts and have fun with their government mandated aftershow bumper.

Willie Survive

Duncan: There were a whole bunch of these. Willie Survive was something of a badass, obviously.

Steve: I have only the faintest memory of this, and I wish that wasn’t the case. Simple, effective and flat out awesome – Willie Survive? Of course!

Dough Nuts

Duncan: The Dough Nuts always kind of bugged me, and I specifically remember running up to the TV and turning the knob when these suckers came on. I think it’s the narrator’s voice. Interestingly, there’s a weirdly mature message for kids going on here — but what 3-12 year old watching cartoons on Saturday morning is concerned with product?

Steve: I, however, loved these things. something about the cadence of the guy reciting the poem always brought the feeling of “Where The Sidewalk Ends” to my young mind for some reason, making these awesome.

Duncan: The narrator’s voice is so annoying!

OG Readmore

Steve: OG Readmore never did a damn thing to encourage me to read a book, especially since I always thought he managed to make reading look way more boring than it actually was. Still, these commercials aired constantly and you couldn’t help but hum or sing along softly with the jingle, even if you hated yourself while doing so.

Duncan: Books can be a tough sell to kids, but I’m in agreement with Steve even though I’ve always been a huge reader (i.e., nerd): the Dickensian alley cat OG Readmore tried hard, but never really made reading look all that fun. ABC pimped the hell out of this guy though. I seem to remember there being an OG Readmore puppet hosting his own show at some point…?

Steve: Yep, totally remember seeing the puppet book reading show as I clicked past it with my remote.

Duncan: You guys had a remote? Nice.

One To Grow On

Steve: True Fact – I hated Justine Bateman with all the passion a young teenager could muster, but this is still a classic example of the old One to Grow On PSAs that NBC forced their primetime stars to do.

Duncan: One to Grown On was transparently weak even at the time, but I had a weird crush on Justine Bateman for like five minutes. I can’t explain why, but what can you do. PS: the nerd kid in this highly resembles yours truly – physically and socially – at the same age. Thanks for dredging up old wounds, Steve.

Woodsy Owl

Duncan: I don’t know if it was just central Jersey or what, but this thing got some serious airplay back in the day. I dig Woodsy’s college-mascot costume. Wait…what the hell is that they’re putting in the water?!?

Steve: Not just Jersey, as I grew up in Maryland and knew the words to this thing by heart. The image of the duck listing to the side as hot fudge oil gets dripped on him is one that still pops into my mind at random times. Woodsy haunts me…

Chew Your Food

Duncan: I still eat this way, so apparently I learned nothing. Some specious science going on here, too. Not chewing makes you fat? Huh?

Steve: Yeah, this was a stupid message and almost seems like it could lead to an entirely new eating disorder. I’m not opposed to chewing your food properly, but to tell kids that you’ll get fat if you don’t feels kinda irresponsible for some reason. Maybe they didn’t have the budget to animate a Heimlich maneuver?

Bike Safety

Steve: There’s a seriously mixed message in the fact that a bike safety commercial features some dude dressed up in a bulky, awkward animal costume riding on the street.

Duncan: This is 100% great. Is the giant raccoon really teaching anyone anything at all? Not to mention I bet riding that bike for Shirt Tails was an incomparable nightmare beyond reason. God bless whoever was in that suit because I bet simple actions like going downhill, turning, moving forward, and stopping were a voyage into hell.

Bugs Bunny in the Kitchen

Duncan: The boiling pot at the end used to scare the crap out of me.

Steve: This one’s an oddity as the message seems way more geared to parents than kids. I wonder how many 10 year olds accidentally scalded their younger siblings by trying to turn the pot handles around because Bugs Bunny said to do it?

The Bod Squad

Duncan: This Bod Squad spot (there were a few) starts off ok with the happy food waving good-bye and everything. But then the main character runs off to school where she bowls in gym clothes…?

Steve: I was a pretty active kid, so these were pretty boring to me. Bowling? Screw that – I’m riding my Mongoose on the BMX track we made in the woods! Without a helmet!!!

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