Now that the furious hype of this year’s San Diego Comic Con has died down, it’s time to shine a spotlight on something that’s becoming more and more obvious with each passing year: geeks will have a convention about anything.

It used to be pretty straightforward, right? Star Trek, comic books, science fiction/fantasy, and gaming. The four building blocks of geek culture. But as the nerdiverse expands exponentially every year — LIKE MY WAISTLINE. ZING. — on top of those we’ve now got a bunch of specialized cons: Transformers, GI Joe figures, Star Wars, anime/manga, classic video games, anthropomorphic animal porn, and probably eightyhundred more that we have no idea exist.

Yes, the enthusiasm and determination and love is endearing. Who doesn’t like hanging out with people of similar interests? Isn’t that one of the points of life pretty much? Also, cons take some real gumption and organization to pull off. People. Making the effort.

But see, the thing is, we can see the whole trend getting out of hand pretty soon, and we’ve decided that there are some specific things we hope geeks never exercise their right to an assembly for.

So, we’d very much like to present to you The Top 12 Conventions We Hope To Never See. Ever..

SECTAURS

Duncan: One of the more awesomely bizarre and short-lived attempts at a Masters of the Universe-esque toy and cartoon franchise, the extremely doofy Sectaurs were a bunch of outer space dudes based on insects and involved pun-er-iffic names like “Trancula” and “Hyve.” Yes, it was unintentionally funny even back then — especially the Marvel comics. But I’m willing to bet there are a bunch of dudes out there who are still carrying the Sectaur torch and taking the whole thing much too seriously. Here’s a message to those people: it’s not worth it. Ok, the Hyve toy was pretty dope, though.

Steve: Since they’re insect-based creatures, Sectaurs don’t quite fit under the auspices of the Furry Phenomenon. Which is good because grown men and women dressing up like bug-people and having sex with each other is something we don’t even want to know about.

GHOSTBUSTERS

Steve: Quite frankly, of all the conventions we hope never to see, it surprises us most of all that there’s not been a Ghostbusters con. And we’re quite happy with that, really. The second movie aside, Ghostbusters has managed to survive all these years and several different incarnations relatively intact as a genuinely creative, intelligent and fun franchise. Let’s not sully that with 300-pound Venkmens walking around with dustbusters mounted on their backs.

Duncan: Remember how much fun/genuinely cool Star Wars used to be before people started obsessing over it all day every day? That’s kind of how Ghostbusters – one of the great film comedies and a high-water mark of the Golden Age of Blockbusters – is right now. Let’s leave it alone.

SMURFS

Steve: Picture 2500 people running around in blue body paint and white pants. This is the stuff nightmares are made of, so we’re pleasantly surprised to realize that nobody’s done it to date. Not that I think this concept could last beyond one convention if it were to ever pass. I mean, how many times could a hotel worker handle having someone ask them questions about “smurf this” or “smurf that” before snapping and beating the smurf out of someone?

Duncan: I’m going to play my “Furry” card here: imagine those 2500 sweetly insecure social retards having an after hours in-costume orgy. Shudder. That said, I’m mildly surprised there hasn’t been a big nostalgia resurgence of the Smurfs. Those little blue commies were so weird and so popular. Jellies-level popular!

GRIZZLY ADAMS

Steve: There is no need - NO NEED - for us to ever see a roomful of women wearing plaid flannel shirts, boots and beards. Also, I’m pretty sure the furry cons already have the whole bear-on-bear action well covered, thank you very much.

Duncan: There’s only one thing that could make a Grizzly Adams con culturally viable: bear fights. Also, you heard it here first: late 70s/early 80s trucker culture (besides the hats) is either fortunately or unfortunately ripe for revival. Wither an ironic Cannonball Run, Smokey and the Bandit, and BJ and the Bear Stiller and/or Ferrell? Anyway, for some reason I remember the Grizzly Adams lunchbox was insanely awesome.

MILLENIAL CELEBRITIES

Duncan: This one terrifies me simply because it seems feasible. We do finally seem to be in a mild downturn of the celebrity culture that’s plagued us ever since the mid 90s, but that doesn’t mean 15-20 years from now Gawker, Perez Hilton, and Go Fug Yourself 4.0 won’t team up to throw some kind of “OMG Remember How These Useless Humans Were Famous For Doing Nothing?” get-together. Even sadder, this will definitely have to include reality show “personalities.” Dudes, I can’t decide – should I go dressed as Eric Nies or Susan Hawk?!?

Steve: We already have a Paris Hilton-themed convention that’s been around since long before the useless celebrity was born. We call it “Spring Break: Daytona.” There’s no need to make it official.

SEX IN THE CITY

Steve: This is another one that we fear is already dangerously close to reality. The show was amazingly popular, and not just among women, and it simply refuses to just die gracefully and fade from the public consciousness. The mere thought of hundreds of guys dressing in drag like Sara Jessica Parker is enough to make a grown man shudder.

Duncan: I will give this to the people who made this show: they knew exactly what they were doing. The people who like this show LOVE IT. It’s like Star Wars Meets the Predator Karate Super Friends Giant Monster Gunfight Robots for chicks. And, as Steve says, it’s displaying some surprising staying power. But here’s the thing: I have never been able to watch Sex in the City for more than five minutes without wanting to strangle every character involved. Does the world really need thousands of people running around acting like unhealthily materialistic and self-involved ninnies? Although I will admit that is a reasonably accurate description of New York City, so as a resident maybe I shouldn’t answer that question.

CEREAL MASCOTS

Duncan: One fascinating aspect of Gen X’s whole nostalgia curse to me is the overwhelming obsession with advertising. In a way it’s been revolutionary because in a Warhol-esque way it’s called attention to the fact that advertising and design can – and should be – considered a kind of art. But then there’s also the whole “Wtf with Sugar Bear?!? Ha ha ha!” aspect. Hey, I’m as guilty of that as the next late 20s-late 30s guy, but the bottom line is somebody dressing up and acting like Toucan Sam for an entire afternoon merely for unironic attention would be taking it too far.

Steve: I’d like to think that this is an impossible convention, but when you think about the wide variety of cartoon mascots that have decorated the cereal aisle over the decades, it’s actually somewhat surprising that there’s not been some sort of convention already. As much as it kind of freaks me out, my mind’s eye can easily envision legions of Quisps skipping down the convention aisle, past the dozens and dozens of bobblehead-selling booths as Frankenberries and Count Choculas look on while they in turn head to the 12:40 panel on Proper Banana Slicing and Turning Your Milk A Different Color. Chilling.

M*A*S*H

Steve: Actually, this one might not be all that terrible now that we think about it. Thousands of people dressed up in Army greens and Hawaiian shirts, all walking about drinking from dozens of stills set up at strategic spots throughout the convention floor with a shower tent populated by lovely ladies that’s designed to fall down once an hour? Definitely not the worst idea in the world - let’s move this one over to the “Maybe” column for now.

Duncan: Man, it would definitely be terrible. M*A*S*H had such a good (although sometimes quite preachy) heart, and when it wanted to, could be quite profound. Do you really want something like that commodified and exploited? Sure, I can see a few sitcoms lending themselves to the con treatment. Perfect Strangers or Three’s Company, maybe. Or Mr. Belvedere. Sit-con here we come! But M*A*S*H, like Taxi, should be left to stay where its made its home for the last 25-odd years: extreme late-night reruns, where it never ceases to entertain our country’s insomniacs.

EMERSON, LAKE, AND PALMER’S TARKUS

Duncan: Granted, a Prog Rock Con would be pretty amazing — one of its many accomplishments would be boasting a greater amount of capes per square foot than a Ren Fair. I can’t wait for the Moog and polyrhythm panels! However, a Prog Con would also involve something nobody wants: a reenactment of ELP’s “Tarkus” Side One, which is a 20-minute song cycle about a half-armadillo, half-tank creature who erupts out of a volcano and fights a manticore. Hmm…actually…

Steve: You know that someone’s bound to do it, or something like this, eventually. Inevitably, the armadillo tank would be made out of cardboard and paper maché and would catch on fire. No. Just…no.

TEAM AMERICA

Duncan: Fun fact: the most kick ass toy of 1981 had nothing to do with Star Wars or professional sports or Atari 2600 or Legos or anything else. It was a Team America Stunt Cycle. Seriously, this thing was the OG shit of all time. You put the nearly 10-inch motorcycle with the rider in a “charging ramp,” and then used a handle on the side to crank the thing up. When you stopped cranking, the cycle would shoot out from the ramp into the world at large to do sick tricks like Kind of Jumping Over General Household Objects, Going through Shallow Puddles, Scaring the Crap Out of the Cat, or Wiping Out. Don’t believe me? Check it out. What does this have to do with cons? Not really anything. Don’t really want to see out-of-shape dudes hurting themselves doing motorcycle stunts for nostalgia, I guess.

Steve: The toys were indeed cool, but the thought that any grown adult would want to talk about toy motorcycles for a weekend just gives me the willies.

POGS

Steve: I wouldn’t even have thought this merited making the list except that, apparently, this is the fad that Will Not Die. I saw pogs for sale not 2 weeks ago, in a real store. Not some old leftovers from the late 90s that the Dollar General trotted out to try to sucker moms into buying for their kids, mind you. No, these were brand new, recently licensed and manufactured pogs. And you just know that somebody, somewhere is sitting in their mother’s basement envisioning 5,000 square feet of hotel banquet hall trading going on. I hope the Marriott tells them to go away.

Duncan: Pogs — along with Power Rangers, Pokemon, and Magic: The Gathering — were the first big over-commercialized kid trends that I not only completely missed (I was busy with booze and chasing skirt…oh, and learning), but also have never understood. I still don’t get pogs. So, they’re round pieces of cardboard that you trade or play some kind of game with? They don’t have stats on them or are some type of candy? Are they the dopiest thing kids have ever collected? I’m old. Let us never speak of pogs again. Grown men don’t need to be in a big hotel conference room playing with or trading them, that’s all I know.

THE MUPPETS

Steve: After Ghostbusters, this is my pick for shockingly not existing, at least not at any level that we at KFR have noticed. The Muppets have all the benchmarks for a con gone horribly wrong, mixing furry, puppet and other fetishes with what is and always will be a concept created for children. To be honest, if there is a Muppet convention already, I’m not sure I want to know about it as I know in my heart that it would end up more like a Meet the Feebles after-show party than a Sesame Street block party.

Duncan: As self-righteous and ridiculous as it may sound, I’m going to call Sacred Cow on the Muppets. Hands off, fanboys and girls. Please leave it for the kids to enjoy. Feel free to do whatever you want with Fraggle Rock…although if I ever catch anybody unironically dreamsharing you’re going to get slapped!

Related Articles:
• Well, here’s Swamp Thing…where’s Adrienne Barbeau?!?
• I Always Thought Cloverfield Was a Dairy…?
• What you missed at San Diego Comic-Con Epilogue
• Diggle and Ferry’s ADAM STRANGE
• Spidey Needs Caffeine Too

General, Conventions