For some reason, adapting a successful (or unsuccessful) film into a TV series seems to be a pretty dicey proposition. So problematic in fact that it rarely ever happens outside of the Saturday morning/weekday afternoon cartoon realm…if that can even be said to exist anymore. You’d think it would be more of a given considering the success of shows like Buffy, M*A*S*H, Stargate, and, to a far, far lesser extent, Fast Times — but hey, maybe the folks involved in television these days are, unlike their silver screen colleagues, actually interested in original ideas. Go figure.

Anyway, please join us in a fun game we like to call “Head of Network Programming.” It involves us role-playing as sweaty, coked-up, anxiety-ridden execs in charge of figuring out what shows will go and what shows will stay. The way the game goes is this: we’ve selected 10 movies that would lend themselves to the TV treatment quite nicely. In fact, we’ll humbly admit these flicks would probably make 10 of the greatest TV shows of all time. You think we’re joking? Read on…

10) Big Trouble In Little China

ANDREW: From the mid 70s to the late 80s, John Carpenter was one of the most entertaining directors around, churning out a string of consistently tense, dark, and stylish B-movies, many of which are still highly watchable. One of the most enjoyable is the maniacally goofy Big Trouble in Little China. Carpenter’s bid for a big commercial success/franchise is his most lighthearted, easygoing film, and also perhaps one of his most innovative. The film’s ebullient Hong-Kong-Meets-Indiana-Jones-Meets-Horror-Meets-Screwball-Comedy aesthetic could be considered one of the first real genre mashups that are all the rage these days. An obvious choice: keeping the movie’s awesomely terrible theme song IN. TACT.

STEVE: There’s just something about the “feel” of BTILC that just screams for the television treatment, and while Kurt Russell is perfect as Jack Burton, there are plenty of character actors who could take the role and make it their own. With the right production team behind it, it could be a career-making role for someone like, say, Nathan Fillion. Hell, go the distance and nail down Tim Minear to produce the series and he might even have his first show to break out beyond cult favorite status. As Andrew points out, BTILC was kind of the originator of the modern genre mash-up, so it would be the perfect vehicle for both of those guys with the added bonus of built in name recognition and fanbase. Man, the more I think about it, the more stoked I am by the possibilities!

9) Showgirls

STEVE: Frankly, I’m surprised Showtime hasn’t picked up the rights to this, or at least knocked it off in some legally different yet totally recognizable fashion. It’s the perfect excuse to showcase bad acting and naked women at the same time while publicly maintaining that it’s all some sort of social satire. If this had happened ten years ago, they could have probably gotten Elizabeth Berkely for a song. Nowadays, they could probably get her for a tune on a kazoo.

ANDREW: As a devotee of Paul Verhoeven’s freaky and brutal satirical aesthetic, I would consider giving up a digit or limb to see his singular is-he-joking-or-not? vision translated to episodic TV. As one of the great comedies of the 90s, Showgirls and its vast, mesmerizing canvas of sleazy characters, sleazy sex, sleazy settings, sleazy dialogue, and sleaze would make it a modern-day prime time soap along the lines of Dynasty, Dallas, Falcon Crest, et al…except with really weird nudity. And more sleaze.

8) Time Bandits

STEVE: The movie’s a classic, to be sure, but it’s totally designed for episodic television. Even the flick itself was basically a bunch of individual episodes condensed into 5-15 minute chapters and strung together for 2 hours. Given the movie’s conceit of a bunch of people hopping about through time and space, it would actually be harder to run out of ideas than it would to keep things fresh from episode to episode.

ANDREW: Terry Gilliam’s best film — one of the most imaginative fantasy films ever made — would easily translate to TV. What else is Time Bandits except, like Steve says, a series of short, self-contained adventures? It’s one of the reasons why it’s so wonderful. Anyway, think Monty Python’s Quantum Leap, but the main characters wouldn’t be helping people do jack — they’d be pulling the hell out of heists all over history’s grand sprawl. The possibilities = endless: ancient Egypt, feudal Japan, Vikings, the Ottoman Empire, Genghis Khan, the Hanging Gardens of Babylon…yikes, my nerd gene is spazzing. Help.

7) The Dirty Dozen

STEVE: A bunch of dudes with guns fighting Nazis on a weekly basis? Seems like a no-brainer to me, but it would never work on network TV. FX, HBO or Showtime would probably be the only places where The Dirty Dozen would be given the proper leeway for the violence and language it would need, nay, deserve.

ANDREW: Come on. Steve, the whole reason why The Dirty Dozen is on this list is because Nazis wouldn’t be the only villains involved. If there’s one thing the most bad ass movie ever made about World War II has taught us, it’s that the US military is always going to need a team of nihilistic anti-heroes to band together and lay waste. Essentially, what we’re talking about here is the Dozen becoming a permanent secret unit in the armed forces. TVs very own Suicide Squad for you comic fans out there. Maybe the network would do a couple four-episode arcs that take place in different war zones. Who lives? Who dies? Who wins? Who loses? Who knows.

6) The Road Warrior

STEVE: This would make for a perfect low-budget syndicated show in the vein of Highlander or any other number of sci-fi series that have had amazingly successful runs over the last 10-15 years. Cast a bunch of unknowns, throw in a semi-recognizable character actor here and there and WHAM – you’ve got a likely hit.

ANDREW: What we’re mainly concerned about in this piece are imaginary worlds that could stand up to an almost infinite amount of expansion. These are all highly detailed, fully formed times and places and characters that it would be exciting and fun to see explored to their absolute limits. Such as it is with The Road Warrior (and to a lesser extent Beyond Thunderdome), a crazy, post-apocalyptic/Wild West landscape where every corner and every turn promises something completely insane and unexpected. Oh, and highly elaborate chase sequences with explosions and car/truck/train/whatever wrecks.

5) Army of Darkness

STEVE: Same deal as Road Warrior, but played more for laughs like Xena and Hercules. Convince Raimi to direct an episode or two, toss in Bruce Campbell as a recurring bad guy and you’ve got an instant convention annoyance fanboy following. The comics, while not really all that fantastic, have shown that there’s a pretty decent amount of wealth to be found in the movies, and it shouldn’t be too difficult for writers to come up with new and ridiculous situations to put Ash in.

ANDREW: When Steve first proposed this, I wasn’t entirely convinced. But really, who in their right mind wouldn’t want to see the goofball boomstick adventures of Ash, one of the great cult film characters of our time, continued? Have Ash bounce around history, between dimensions, got to hell, outer space, whatever. All you need are crazy demons, armies of undead, clever dialogue, Three Stooges hijinks, and the usual inspired Evil Dead madness and energetic pacing and you’d have a huge hit. Just pray it’s better than M.A.N.T.I.S.…

4) The Goonies

STEVE: Here’s another one that I’m kind of surprised hasn’t been tried yet, to be honest. Hell, I’m mildly shocked to realize, now that I think of it, that there hasn’t even been a Goonies 2! Judging by the number of Goonies t-shirts I’ve seen in the front window of Hot Topic over the last 5 years, there are plenty of fans still walking around out there, so finding an audience shouldn’t be too hard if the product is half-decent. Sure, there’s a chance that we’ll all be sick and tired of the Truffle Shuffle inside of 6 episodes, but that’s a risk I’m willing to take, and you should be too.

ANDREW: Ah, those lovable scamps from the Goondocks. I’m also mildly shocked their adventures haven’t continued in some way, shape, or form considering their relatively huge cult appeal and the success of their first feature. There wasn’t even a cartoon way back when. For reals, every American born between 1972-1980 would tune into the first episode. Hey, keep the elaborate but gleeful Indiana Jones vibe and you’d have their kids enthralled, just like we were. Although might want think about toning down the Asian stereotype, maybe…

3) Jurassic Park

ANDREW: Call me crazy, but I actually liked the third Jurassic Park. It was a solid B movie. However, like Spielberg hinted at in The Lost World, it’s time to get the dinosaurs off the island. And if you want a great TV show, what you definitely need is a global dinosaur apocalypse. Now THAT would be entertainment. THAT is what the world needs…after, you know, peace and tolerance and alternative energy sources and nanobots and jet packs and common sense and so on.

STEVE: Giant dinosaurs on a weekly television series? Why not? I envision something along the lines of Lost, but without those pesky “bad” episodes that have marred the otherwise great series. Throw this bad boy on the air as a 13 episodes per season deal, and you’d have what’s as sure fire a ratings winner as you can get.

2) Dawn of the Dead

STEVE: Because, dammit, the world flat out needs HBO to just pony up and give us our zombie television series. Romero’s already built quite the little world, but there’s no good reason the TV series couldn’t just reboot from the very beginning and follow it’s own path. It’s definitely got to be HBO though, or possibly Showtime. Even a non-pay cable network like FX wouldn’t be able to give us the necessary sex, violence and flat out gore needed to make this work as a weekly serial.

ANDREW: What George Romero hath wrought is incredible indeed. It’s not every lifetime you get to invent a whole genre. And as The Walking Dead has already proven to us, a zombified earth would make for grand serialized soap opera. You got easy automatic, constant tension, built-in metaphor, and a huge, terrifying, near limitless sandbox to play in. World War Z: An Oral History of the Zombie War was just the tip of the iceberg of awesomeness this would entail. Make it happen.

1) The Incredibles

STEVE: This is probably the biggest no-brainer on the list. Keep Pixar in charge of the show, whether you go with computer animation or opt for traditional cel animation and you’ve got a guaranteed winner. Frankly, I’m amazed that Disney hasn’t done this already since The Incredibles is far more TV ready than many of the other properties they’ve forced into the 22-minute format.

ANDREW: The brilliant world-builders at Pixar never let any of their films or characters get too overexposed, which is one of the things that maintains their high credibility. Not to mention they’re arguably the best mainstream American filmmakers currently working. Their sense of craft and finely tuned storytelling instincts make even their duds (A Bug’s Life, Cars) watchable.

That all said, it’s mildly shocking that the super-powered world of The Incredibles hasn’t been developed into a show. It seems tailor made. All the elements are already there — the characters, where they live, the design sensibility, tone, etc — and superheroes/adventurers lend themselves so easily to the serial formula. I don’t know…is it possible Brad Bird and Pixar don’t want the best superhero film of all time to be compromised and/or commodified? Is it true that they might have honest-to-god integrity? Shocking!

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

Here are a few that very nearly made the cut, but just didn’t quite have the oomph to hit the top ten: Escape From New York, Predator, The Warriors, Cannonball Run, and My Neighbor Totoro.

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