As you may or may not have heard, an A-Team movie is on the way.

Now, The A-Team, with its impossibly convoluted storylines, formulaic plots, cartoonish characters, sexist attitudes, and hundreds of explosions and vehicle wrecks without death, was pretty much the shit of all time back in the day if you were a male of any ethnicity between the ages of 6 and 13 and watched TV.

Essentially here’s what you need to know about the show: there was a lot of shooting, a lot of blowing up, a lot of crashing, a lot of punching, and not even The Love Boat could boast a collection of guest stars that included the likes of Boy George, Isaac Hayes, Sid Haig, Pat Sajak, and Bobby “The Brain” Heenan.

Check it out:

The director of A-Team is John Singleton, whose photo you can find next to “spotty career” in the dictionary…although he does deserve credit for sticking around for this long. (Also I have a soft spot for the glorious stupidity of 2 Fast 2 Furious.) Apparently he’s envisioning the new film as a straight, unironic action movie, so that’s how we’re going to play it in this casting exercise.

We’re going to suggest who we’d like to see in the role, then we’ll make our prediction about who really gets cast. Let the speculation begin.

COLONEL JOHN “HANNIBAL” SMITH

The cigar-chomping, ass-kicking head of the team. He loves it when a plan comes together.

You’d need a tough-as-hell older guy with some real presence for this role. I guess Clooney kind of comes to mind, but he’s too cutesy. Eastwood’s too old. Jon Voight is too, I don’t know, weird. Kurt Russell, Sam Jackson, or Michael Madsen might work, but I think you have to go with the obvious here: Bruce Willis.

Who they’ll probably cast: Nicolas Cage.

LIEUTENANT TEMPLETON “FACEMAN” PECK

The smooth-talking, good-looking scam artist who randomly is in charge of procuring vehicles. Since this was the 80s, you just had to have a “vehicle” guy on your special ops team.

Princess Leia would no doubt label Faceman a “scoundrel” and proceed to jump his bones. A good deal of charm and urgency from an actor in his late 20s-mid/late 30s is required. Time to lure Paul Rudd away from the Apatow ghetto to make this work. In the on-deck circle, Colin Farrell or Owen Wilson.

Who they’ll probably cast: Matthew McConaughey.

BOSCO B.A. “BAD ATTITUDE” BARACUS

Yeah, even when we were eight we knew what the “B.A.” really stood for. Mr. T was silly, but it’s the kind of larger-than-life silly kids think is great and fun. Baracus is the role Mr. T was born to play. It’s probably safe to say the man was put on earth solely to play Baracus. Hell, the guy’s reputation from The A-Team alone remains intact even though he had a Saturday morning cartoon about a team of crime-solving gymnasts, which is pretty much the most uncool thing in the history of the world.

Basically what I’m trying to say is the T is nearly irreplaceable. Hell, he’s not really that old — bring him back! But if you have to have a Son of Baracus, the already-rumored Ice Cube would be a decent fit. Although I’m going to put in a vote for Michael Clarke Duncan or Michael K. Williams.

Who they’ll probably cast: Tyler Perry or Mos Def. Kidding! Probably Ice Cube.

CAPTAIN H.M. “HOWLING MAD” MURDOCK

A.k.a. The Crazy One.

Sure to incite justifiable rage from mental health advocates everywhere, Murdock was the kind of zany, completely unfounded-in-science stereotypical crazy you find mainly in old Bugs Bunny cartoons. Remember Murdock’s imaginary dog “Billy”? Yeah. The greatest thing about Murdock was that in order to join the A-Team he had to escape from an insane asylum. So he did. In every episode. Man this show was stupid.

Anyway, maybe we could lure Steve Buscemi out of retirement for this meaty role! Actually, scratch that. I’m going back to TV for this one: Walter Goggins.

Who they’ll probably cast: Jack Black.

AMANDA “TRIPLE A” ALLEN

It’s arguable that there’s never been a more thankless acting role for a female in the history of television. The A-Team was exclusively for dudes. Girls nationwide let out a huge sigh and left the TV room when this show came on.

For the life of me I can’t even remember what purpose intrepid reporter Amanda Allen served besides being not as hot as Col. Wilma Deering. I’d have to guess that they’ll create a whole new woman character and that casting will probably go for some pleasant but vapid young ultra-hottie. But personally I think it would be nice to see someone tougher with more personality, so, I dunno, how about Kristen Bell, Jennifer Garner, or Milla Jovovich. Rose McGowan, too.

Who they’ll probably cast: Jessica Alba or Biel.

COLONEL LYNCH/COLONEL RODERICK DECKER

The U.S. commander constantly on the tail of the A-Team. He despises these soldiers of fortune…and yet…respects them…

Well, here’s where Jon “You Can See That I’m Crazy, Right?” Voight would really come in handy. Or Christopher Walken. Or Dennis Hopper. You see where I’m going with this, probably. I’ll take pretty much any over-the-top lunatic boomer character actor here. Fred Ward, Nick Nolte, Gene Hackman, Gary Oldman. The crazier the better.

Who they’ll probably cast: John Travolta.

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