Really, I thought we had something special. I buy a book, you try to sell me more by the same writer. I get a toy, you upsell me with accessories to match. Why, oh why, then, are you trying to convince me that I should be buying a Spanish-language soap opera?

Yes, I know that I bought an “Angel” box set, but that was years ago, and you’ve already suggested the entire Whedon oeuvre since. Are your sales so bad you’re going to start matching all my purchases alphabetically, because that’s just going to lead to misunderstandings and heartbreak.

Amazon, I still love you, but please, let’s at least try to make this work. You send me more emails full of amazingly strange and wonderful items I’ll never actually buy, like the towering blowup waterslides and backyard barbeque pits, and I’ll continue to buy the wading pools and grill scrapers that those products inevitably link to. I know we can make things right.

Spread the word!