The Perpetrators:
Writer – Bill Mantlo
Artist – Frank Robbins
Inker – Frank Springer
Letters – Tom Orzechowski
Colors – Janice Cohen
Editor – Archie Goodwin
Publisher – Marvel Comics

The Plot:
Mark Harris, a survivor of Atlantis who is has a host of typical sea-centric powers (breathe underwater…swim long distances…webbed hands…communicate with sea-life…blah blah) and is just high-lariously naive in the ways of humans, must help the U.S. Navy solve the mystery behind a nefarious white mist causing disappearances in the Bermuda Triangle.

The Deal:
The ’70s are really such an incredible wealth of amazing crap, aren’t they? According to Wikipedia, NBC’s short-lived sci-fi/superhero seriesMan from Atlantis (starring Patrick Duffy — but you just KNOW they wanted Mark Spitz!) sprung out of four highly successful TV movies.

The series never made it past one season, but that didn’t stop Marvel from trying to have their very own Aquaman-that-wasn’t-Submariner…for seven issues. Comic/TV tie-ins have never had a very high success rate, I guess. Although it’s somewhat humbling to think this comic probably sold more issues than like Secret Invasion #1.

The Verdict:
Doofy, but less a quick, cynical cash-in than one might expect thanks to some above-average art and the most hilariously rampant homoeroticism this side of that last James Bond movie.

The Dialogue:
Dr. Elizabeth Merrill: “Mark, you never cease to amaze me! You have eyes like an eagle!”

Mark Harris: “No — more like a dolphin!”

Random dude: “That was what we call a figure of speech, Mark!”

The Wtf Moment:
Page 23, when the villainous mastermind behind the evil mist reveals he’s kidnapping sailors and brainwashing them into helping him build Seatopia: a “self-sufficient city beneath the sea.” Of course, Seatopia will also double as the world’s food supply since the villain plans on wiping out all of earth’s produce with man-made natural disasters so that he can corner the market on global nutrition. Yep.

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The Perpetrators:
Writer/Artist/Editor: Owen “Puzzle-Master” (that’s what it says in the credits!) McCarron
Marvel Comics

The Plot:
Solve a series of puzzles featuring your favorite Marvel characters. It’s the only way to defeat the super villain team of Kang, Dr. Doom, and Dormammu from taking over S.H.I.E.L.D.’s secret moon base!! Ok…I made that second part up. This is really just a puzzle book — mazes, word scrambles, word finders, other common brainteasers — so your mileage may vary on the word “Fun” in the title.

The Deal:
No clue. This has that glorious stench of the throw-wall-sticks? theory of publishing. Also, there are a ton of references to the popular-at-the-time “Hulk” TV show in here, so that probably has something to do with it. Maybe this was also a way for Marvel to infiltrate certain kid markets that wouldn’t carry comics but would sell puzzle books/magazines? Who knows. But here we are wasting our time by reaping the ironic benefits nearly 30 years later. Awesome.

The Verdict:
So awesomely doofy that it is impossible to dislike. Could you really hate on a comic that inexplicably depicts the Hulk in a football helmet and scrimmage line pose for no discernible reason other than that boys like football?

There’s also a great parade of highly obscure characters in here alongside the main guys. Seriously, Sting Ray is prominently featured at least three times. Who the hell is Sting Ray?! And of course let’s not forget Jack of Hearts and Moonstone. Wtf?

The Dialogue:
“THE STING RAY’S STING-MAZE

Get it right the first time or stingy will getcha with his electro-blasters”

The Moment(s):
1. Stan Lee’s ludicrously enthusiastic intro on page one: “You’re going to flip over every far-out page!” Indeed.

2. A “What’s Missing” puzzle where the object missing is Dr. Strange’s ’stache.

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With the U.S. economy sinking further and further into the clogged septic tank of the earth and gas and food prices skyrocketing, what’s a comic reader to do? Where can they go for the cheap thrills and pulp entertainment of the 4-color fix? Stop hustling for blow jobs, silly, and get thee to a Dollar Bin!

Ah, the dollar bin: where there are so many fine gems and vast treasures from comic book ages past to uncover. In this column I’ll reveal to you the many cheap wonders and low-budget worlds I’ve found in my lazy, half-assed travels.

Screw you Secret Invasion! Up yours Final Crisis! I’ve got f%$king mouths to feed!

The Perpetrators:
Writer – Michael Uslan
Artist – Ricardo Villamonte
DC Comics

The Plot:
Ancient prince/barbarian with an awesome skull helmet randomly fights dudes and evil monsters.

The Deal:
It’s 1975 and DC desperately needed another title (along with Warlord, Claw, Stalker, Starfire, Nightmaster, and Tor…) to compete with Marvel’s then-hugely popular Conan book. How about a comic inspired by the legendary British hero who fought and defeated Grendel and Grendel’s moms? Better yet, subtitle it “Dragon Slayer” even though there are no dragons or slaying of them contained therein. Sounds good. It was canceled after six issues.

The Verdict:
An atmospheric, straight-faced sword and sandal slugfest with some excellent art best read while listening to Kamelot, Mastodon, or Dio-era Sabbath.

The Dialogue:
“The world-candle turns to BEOWULF, boon of the GEATS! He swings his SWORD — his IRON-KILLER lord! His might EXPLODES across this BLUE-ORB earth, as ROSY-FINGERED dawn brings peace to the land of his BIRTH!”

The Moment:
The last panel on page 11 where Beowulf unironically punches a woman in the face.

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