What do you get when you mix too many hosts, a guest who mails in her interview segment, unoriginally lame bits and boring non-arguments all shot in an informercial-style format? You’ve got the first episode of That Metal Show, a show so devoid of anything really metal that the originators of the first metal “talk� show, Beavis and Butt-head, would mock it without end (huh, huh, That Metal Show sucks, huh, huh) and slap it upside the head with a Winger CD.

The show’s problems are much like the show’s hosts – there are too many of them. Is it really necessary to have three hosts (plus a guest) for a 22-minute show (excluding commercials)? Hell yes.

But the episode’s troubles showed through worse than Lita Ford’s dye job, who was the first guest of the show. As soon as she sat down, you could almost see her put a stamp on a mental envelope as she was mailing it in for her whole segment.

And you could hardly blame her for tanking. As the show went on, the level of the writing became that of “The Magic Hour� but with rank amateurs. Seriously, here are the other bits:

• A dated discussion about if Chinese Democracy was ever going to be released (the perils of pre-recording the show months in advance of the air date). Even though a disclaimer was shown on the screen, why have the segment on at all? You would’ve thought that the showrunners would’ve put a decent music video on or something that would’ve been remotely better than broadcasting an out-dated segment and sensing viewers hitting the remote to something else.
• Stump the Trunk with some of the audience members for prizes. Not only is this piece a blatant rip-off of one a better one from Howard Stern (and to a lesser extent, ESPN), Trunk disclaimed that he was not a professed expert in all things Metal. Huh??? Isn’t that a qualification of being the person who is getting questions thrown his way? Without any bravado involved, it’s just a lame way to give prizes away.
• A canned “Man on the Street” interviews with ancient Van Halen fans in an effort to make fun of them; another rip-off of Howard Stern as well as Jay Leno/Dave Letterman/any Late Night show. While it may be fun to laugh as some burn-outs from NYC, it just another example of something done better somewhere else.
• A very forced quasi-argument on who was the better VH front man. The three hosts and a disengaged/borderline asleep Ford tried to close the show out with this stink bomb that eventually mutated into a throw-away discussion that lasted all of two minutes and everyone involved decided to be merciful by saying goodbye.

This show wasn’t just bad; it was dead on arrival. From too many hosts to a detached guest to obsolete chatter to recycled bits, this show has nothing that is salvageable for someone, much less a metalhead, to watch. At this point, it would be the best interests of all concerned to let this limp show die a quick death; less it could do any more damage to their careers.

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If I was still 23 and single, I’d have run out and bought this GPS within minutes of seeing the ad in the weekend’s paper. A chance to practically transform my 1989 Nissan Sentra into K.I.T.T.? Hell yes, I can get behind that! And don’t lie – you would have too. Hell, this post may have just become responsible for employees bowing out for an early lunch all across the US right now.

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Now we have another instant classic to add to the list: the Merrick Boulevard Qwik Lube. Thank you, Queens! The most underrated borough ever steps up AGAIN.

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But this one caught my eye…mainly because it’s one of the weirdest and most warped pieces of advertising to come along the pipe in a while — and they’re selling diapers!!

Is this thing ironic or accidental or just a strange misfire? What’s with the creepy, Cabbage-Patch-Kid-on-Adderall dolls? And then there are real people in there as the “parents”? But the babies are performing like in a water circus or something? I can’t make heads or tails of this. You make the call.

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Wednesday, June 25
8 PM – George Carlin at USC (1977)
9 PM – George Carlin Again! (1978)
11 PM – Carlin at Carnegie (1983)
12 AM – Carlin on Campus (1984)
1 AM – Playin’ With Yoru Head (1986)

Thursday, June 26
8 PM – What Am I Doing In New Jersey? (1988)
9 PM – Doin’ It Again (1990)
10 PM – Jammin’ In New York (1992)
11 PM – Back In Town (1996)
12:05 AM – You Are All Diseased (1999)
1 AM – It’s Bad for Ya (2008)

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I’m not sure which is more unbelievable – that Larry King has any idea who Motely Crue is or that there are people still willing to get in a car with Vince Neil. Plus, who had Nikki Sixx in the pool of “Who will be my generation’s Keith Richards?”

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